Wednesday, August 27, 2008

"Crate "em & Stack "em Conference

Join me, mostly me, and a few others at a conference unlike any before and hopefully any after.

Me, myself and I am teaming with whoever will have me with all my failures this past year, to bring together the most closed door shelter directors and the misguided top animal lawyers to teach you how you too can "get those numbers".

Learn from closed door shelter directors how to "crate them and stack them" and how to teach employees to ignore diseases. Being able to manipulate those numbers is a must on your experience. Sure fire way to make sure the "died in kennel" figure rises and therefore is not counted against your "euthanasia" numbers. Learn the basics of shoe selling so you can put together programs such as BOGO, buy one get one free. Don't forget the seniors for seniors program where you put the least adoptable older and sick animals with people who are suckers for a sob story and the least equipped to handle the medical, but that's their problem when they adopt. And don't forget the seminar on how to blame everyone else for problems will help you to deceive those who count, don't waste time on the public, they aren't the problem and I will teach you how to explain the increases in "public surrenders".

Learn how to get the breeding community to support you against the very things that can only help such as mandatory spay/neuter. Learn how to force landowners to rent to irresponsible pet owners. Lead the fight to stop pet limits so everyone has to tolerate hoarding.

Learn tactics such as making of pipe bombs from the activists fighting to provide consulting opportunities on "No Kill". And in addition, a free seminar on speaking the language of "No Kill" so as to evade questions or place focus on other areas not in question.

This is a must attend event from pipe welding activists, hoarders posing as rescuers, closed door shelter directors and staff, lawyers with an interest in money, and anyone else who wants to get a piece of the action.

Speakers and workshops are all conducted by myself, yours truly. RSVP at

This is a satire, a very sad satire.


Anonymous said...

I'd like to sign up not only for the conference as a whole but would like to lead seminars on "Why Pay the Big Bucks?--How to Avoid Hiring Qualified Staff" and "Donor Activism--How to Mislead the Public."

Droll. Very Droll, Honesty!

HonestyHelps said...

I do believe those are a part of this conference. And re-read the post, I did add a few things. There's just so much that can be added. Just couldn't resist, sorry EPC.

Happy Camper said...

Good to know epc is alive and having fun ! Great article, you should put a link to the straight s***. Don't forget the all time winner " How to turn your crippled, aged and dysfunctional pets into Fundraisers !" Remember deformity is a real comodity in the pity market. I hope they have a short course on how to rename kennel crazy.
Oreo says, ARGHHHHH

jfk said...

Speaking of Conferences...

Notice anything about some of the various "speakers" they've got lined up? I particularly like the summary of the event part that reads, " animal law attorneys will help you create No Kill communities and use the legal system to save lives."

I feel a hairball coming on...

Anonymous said...

We are with Catmom on this one, let people read the idiot for themselves. Have you seen Oreo's dessertation on std's. Same thing. Satire is the tool of a sharp mind, keep the wit and the mind honed. This guy is getting desparate and meaner than usual. In a sense my wife and I are free because we did not adopt from the shelter, some of the other dog park people feel they may face retribution if they speak up. It is not good to be having conferences on suing your way into a job.

HonestyHelps said...

To add further to this conversation, you are aware that Whine-ograd has a lawsuit against the County of LA? I feel it strange that he is an attorney and still chooses to keep his license on inactive status per the State of California Bar web site. And this case is being handled by another attorney. You don't suppose he has decided that the only way to force "No Kill" is with the law, do you??